Rooting & Becoming

Rooted in where I come from. Becoming who I’m meant to be.” 🌿

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Sep 20

Aggressive Reminder
Sep 19

The Truth About Family HistoryThere comes a point in healing when you realize that telling the truth about what happened isn’t the same thing as trying to hurt someone.Sometimes, telling the truth is how you finally stop hurting yourself.I’ve spent a lot of my life understanding people.Understanding why they behaved the way they did.Understanding what they had been through.Understanding their wounds, their childhoods, their marriages, their fears, their circumstances.I have always been able to find compassion for people.But I’m learning that compassion and accountability can exist in the same room.And I think we need to normalize telling the truth about family history.Being family doesn’t make abuse less abusive.Love doesn’t require us to rewrite history.And loyalty should never mean protecting someone from accountability simply because the truth makes everyone uncomfortable.There is a particular kind of pressure that comes with family history. There are things people don’t want discussed. Things that have been softened over the years. Stories that have been rearranged until the person who was hurt almost disappears from them.Sometimes the truth becomes inconvenient.So we call it “the past.”We say, “That was a long time ago.”We say, “You know how they were.”We say, “That’s just how things were back then.”And sometimes we expect the person who was hurt to carry the weight of everybody else’s discomfort because acknowledging what happened would force other people to look at their own choices.But the past doesn’t stop being true because enough time has passed.And abuse doesn’t become less abusive because the person who caused it is someone we love.Especially when the harm isn’t a rumor.Especially when there is documentation. When there are records. When there are witnesses. When the truth is part of the public record.At some point, we have to stop asking why the truth makes people uncomfortable and start asking why the person who was hurt was expected to live with the consequences of everyone else’s silence.And then there is the silence.That part matters to me.Because there is a difference between not knowing and knowing.There is a difference between being unaware that someone was suffering and seeing what was happening and deciding that acknowledging it would cost you too much.Maybe it would have disrupted your marriage.Maybe it would have changed your relationship with someone you loved.Maybe it would have damaged the family’s reputation.Maybe it would have required you to admit that someone you trusted was capable of hurting another person.Maybe it was simply easier to look away.You may not have caused the harm.But if you knew someone was being harmed and chose to turn your head because facing it was uncomfortable, your silence mattered.Silence can create room for harm to continue.And sometimes that silence becomes its own kind of betrayal.I don’t say that lightly.I say it because I’ve reached a place where I can hold two truths at the same time:I can love people.And I can tell the truth about what they did.I can understand someone’s wounds without pretending those wounds excuse what they did to someone else.I can have compassion for the person who caused harm without abandoning the person who endured it.And I can say:You hurt her.You knew she was being hurt.You chose not to protect her.She deserved better.Those sentences don’t erase anybody’s humanity.They simply refuse to erase hers.For a long time, families can become experts at protecting the version of history that makes everyone else comfortable.But what happens to the person whose life was actually changed by what happened?What happens to the child who grew up carrying it?What happens to the woman who spent years trying to understand why the people around her didn’t protect her?What happens when everyone remembers the family story except the part where she was the one living through it?I don’t want to participate in that anymore.Not because I want to destroy anyone.Not because I want revenge.Not because I believe every family needs to publicly expose every private wound.But because there is a difference between privacy and erasure.And I don’t believe healing requires me to participate in erasing what happened.Sometimes healing looks like forgiveness.Sometimes it looks like boundaries.Sometimes it looks like walking away.And sometimes, quietly and painfully, it looks like finally saying:This happened.It mattered.It hurt someone.And we are not going to rewrite it anymore.I believe families can survive the truth.Maybe not the version of the family that depended on everybody staying quiet.But perhaps something more honest can exist on the other side of that silence.Because the truth isn’t always an act of destruction.Sometimes the truth is an act of remembrance.Sometimes it is the first time the person who was hurt gets to exist in the family story as more than what happened to them.And sometimes the most loving thing we can do for a family is stop lying about its history.Not to punish the people who were there.But to finally honor the person who lived through it.She deserved to be protected.She deserved to be believed.She deserved better.And she deserves to have her story told truthfully, too.That is where I am now.I’m done rewriting my family history to make other people comfortable.I’m choosing truth — not because I hate my family, but because I finally understand that loving people doesn’t require me to abandon the truth.And maybe that’s part of healing, too.Not changing the past.Just refusing to lie about it anymore.
Sep 18

A note: This post talks about a sudden loss in my family. Take care reading. ❤️The Woman Behind the ClippingThis is my grandmother, Adrienne Lillian Melton, whose maiden name was Haynes.My momma might have told you that she lost her own Momma when she was very young. But what she may not have told you is that she was on her way from Nashville to meet her Momma for church when she pulled up to this.And all while my Papaw was across the street in the hospital, sick.I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand what it must have been like for my momma to experience that.I never met my grandmother. But my momma lost so much that day.As I’ve experienced grief myself as an adult, I understand something now that I couldn’t have understood as a child: major loss changes you.To my Momma—I’m so sorry for your losses. You’re seen. You’re loved. And you’re cared for. No matter the circumstances. ❤️—The woman I was named after.And this is how the newspaper remembered her.A few lines of black ink under the headline:“Hit by Own Car.”Her age. Her town. The circumstances of her death.And then, essentially, she disappears into the archive.I found this while digging through old family records, and I couldn’t stop staring at it.Because to whoever comes across this clipping decades from now, she’s just another name in an old newspaper.But she wasn’t.She was someone’s mother.Someone’s wife.Someone’s grandmother.She had a voice. A laugh. A temper. A favorite dress. Ordinary days and difficult ones. She had people who loved her.And most importantly to me, she was the woman whose name my mother gave to me.That little paragraph doesn’t tell you what her death did to my family.It doesn’t tell you what it felt like for a daughter to lose her mother in such a sudden and horrific way.It doesn’t tell you what happened afterward.It just says she died.That’s the strange thing about genealogy.You start with names and dates, and eventually you realize you’re looking at people who were once somebody’s entire world.After we die, the world has a way of reducing us.A name on a headstone.A census entry.A photograph in an archive.A newspaper clipping.A few dates connected by a line on somebody’s family tree.But a life is so much bigger than its documentation.So I’m writing her back into the story.Not just Adrienne Melton, age 67, Shelbyville, Tennessee.My grandmother.My namesake.My mother’s mother.A woman whose life mattered long before it became a newspaper clipping.Maybe that’s part of what I’m doing here.Taking these old pieces of paper and photographs and giving the people behind them their humanity back.Because I don’t want the people who came before me to become just names.I want them remembered. ❤️And maybe that’s what legacy really is—not just leaving something behind, but making sure the people who came before you don’t disappear.If you have a clipping like this in your family—a few lines that could never possibly hold a whole person—I’d be honored if you shared their name in the comments.Let’s remember them together.